muddled cerebrations
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yesterday was tough. the low was overbearing and really put me in low spirits. however, i talked to ba about it and she really helped me deal with it, which was nice. i suppose it's nice to get feedback sometimes in helping in the process of just sloughing something off one's back. i'm not at the point yet in which i can just let go of something bad without aid yet. and, well, i can deal with that. there's nothing saying that i've grown into a wise wizard of a buddhist master giving me all the patience in the world and the ability to cast something off immediately after taking it in since i'm just that good. right. okay. rationalizing worries me though. hm.
well, the day today wasn't too bad. went to bed at close to 3 last night and work up at 10:30 or so this morning to the pup squeaking around. ba apparently had been awake earlier and had done all the maternal duties, which i selfishly had allowed her to do as i was asleep.
then i went to class which was okay. it was soporific though which doesn't bode well on how the rest of the semester will be. the lighting was just way too dim. hopefully i can deal though because i do know that my previous class there was not my best. not my worst either, but a needless struggle due to the soporific powers of that room. otherwise, had lunch afterwards with cvw, ba, and ca. that was nice. i don't know how i didn't realize, but cvw can totally keep a chat going. i mean, i can listen well, but, when it comes to speech i just sort of blah things out. anyways, it was nice. i never really talked to cvw very much before unless it was when he was high, which, of course, was always fun. and, well, that was it so far. now i've got to tackle the work that i neglected to do yesterday. hoorah hooray. of course.
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today the god awful despised of all time moment took place. i saw sd for the first time after the faceless confrontation. the way that she handled the situation was expected. not mature, but, then again, i was far from mature as well. as soon as i saw her i made a YIKES face which was quite fitting for the situation, really. and when we neared one another close up she pulled out an awkward sort of throwdown sort of thing. i don't know. it was a chance at confrontation for her and for me, it was another piece of evidence of my weaknesses and my lack of ability to reconcile certain things. i was far from the bigger person in this case. the fact that i found it absolutely impossible for me to apply buddhist principles to the case of sd shows my greatest downfall. maybe i'll start sporting pessimism again, figuring that i'll never be able to be able to push my way past human incivilities and the transient things that seemingly manifest themselves in endlessly painful marathons, which really are just going to pass, yet i overlook that fact and let the onslaught infect my ability to really lucidly decide how i want to act.
i just feel really scummy. and, well, i very well should feel that way. i wish that we could have just pretended that we didn't know one another anymore since the auxiliary pieces on both sides would've been able to handle that sort of situation, most likely. i suppose that isn't likely though. not based on her response today. which, hatred towards me that she may nurse is entirely reasonable. i could very much so understand it if that's how she feels. then again, i don't know what she's thinking and guesses are solely guesses and she very well could feel bad for me for not being the better person and trying to keep the facade going. but, man, it was so tiring. it really put me off. the lack of enjoyment that filled my being whenever i had to hang out with her or the dread that replaced anticipation really just signalled to me that the decision that was made was rational. however, i suppose rationality isn't necessarily the major speaker in situations involving emotions.
on the other end of all of that, well, today wasn't terrible. had my first two classes, with the first one being good and the second one being okay. chalked full of facts, of course. things didn't seem bad. in fact, they seemed great, but i'll go to the goods of the day after i finish with the bad aspects. anyways, i felt a sort of overhead looming cloud of pessimism. maybe that was me. i passed jamie. he looks different. i zoomed by on my bike. i'm too much of a coward. i've never had much of a backbone. accomodating. agrada perhaps i am. perhaps it was the intensification of the humidity, the thickness of the air and the accumulation of the dread that comes with school.
thankfully, i don't know. perhaps my attempts at immortalizing my thoughts via this method is even impractical in the sense of buddhism. then again, if i were a true aspiring buddhist, i would meditate every day, which, i have not meditated thoroughly for quite a long time. so, i suppose exceptions to my hopes at truly embodying all buddhist ideals is a bit farfetched.
well, so the highs of the day. cf, jf, nn, and i went to foster's - my first time. it felt so ridiculous that we went to get breakfast at some place off campus. it seemed so ... rich and, excessive i suppose. but it felt really nice. it was a really nice feeling, feeling ... exceedingly wealthy. well, i don't know. i guess it's not really wealth that would draw one to go to foster's for breakfast but rather the high class privilege. it's definitely an upper class activity to go get breakfast at a restaurant instead of just eat cereal with milk, which was my norm before. and afterwards, it was splendid. we drove around in jf's audi, playing the music loudly and just, i don't know, feeling so powerful. i guess, i just felt like, no, i don't know what it was that i felt when i was at foster's and then in the car. it was, maybe it's just the sense of uniquity in the occasion for me. not sure. it was good though.
and, the two classes that i had were pretty good. the first had a teach that was funny and nice which of course is rad, and the second one had a teach who couldn't get us kids to laugh and was an old (presumably) chinese man who threw fact after fact at us which is never incredibly exciting, but wasn't too terribly boring. it was enjoyable enough, i suppose, although others squirmed which contradicted my feelings. nothing was terrible though.
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dear diary,
the evolution of this custom has come quite a ways from its humble start as a notebook with pen. it's transmogrified into this monster that people can use to pin people down in a corner for offhand actions and sentiments that otherwise would have not been exposed to others. this practically is the antithesis of a diary, really. i try my best to remain anonymous as possible, but, well, most likely if someone knew this was mine, they'd quickly be able to put the names to the initials and key into where the few activities i allude to have taken place. and, well, i suppose the largest switch up from the diary to its current day state as a blog is that the secrecy element has now been abandoned. sure, i could keep my diary closed, but, well, i suppose i feel that to be too primitive of an activity, thus goading the loss of privacy in detailing past occasions. past slights, past successes, all things of the past.
anyways, that was all of that, i suppose.
i just felt inclined to write a short bit on the matter while off my bike waiting for the light to change and while listening to maps, which i put back on for writing purposes. the inspiration isn't quite as compelling
and, well, i've lost my steam. i'll probably write back in a couple hours or so.
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in class yesterday, we were supposed to come up with things that really bother us. and, well, i said that i like all people. that was sort of a facetious statement, but, then, after saying it and trying to think of a real answer with the time that my response bid me, i realized, i couldn't really think of anything that really bothers me. i mean, yes, many things make me uncomfortable, but, that's an entirely different situation from being bothered. other people in the class said that they can't stand bicyclists and, well, that made me think, i'm a bicyclist. hah. but, what they couldn't stand about bicyclists is how they think that they always have right of way and that they've got it so hard trying to weave in and out of people when it's really the pedestrians who have it hard because they have to evade getting run over by unskilled bicyclists pretending to be otherwise. and, well, that made me laugh. and they were also irked by how there is such an almost infestation of bicyclists all around, forcing pedestrians or drivers to have to wait all of the time to get anywhere. and, well, my response to that (in my head, because i, nominally fearless me, stagger too much when speaking spanish, making me a highly inhibited spanish speaker) was that i get caught up in traffic occasionally, but because cars are the ones who go ahead of me and don't take heed of me being there. granted, that usually occurs because i'm not assertive and i let them go and wait for them, and by the time all of them have crossed, i've lost my right of way. but, i never really thought of it as something all too terrible that it really bothered me. rather, i just saw someone go first and make the car that was turning left wait for them to cross halfway and all seemed fair in that situation, so i followed along in example afterwards. i suppose it's that i really do try to brush things off.
then again, i don't know if the things that the kids in class said were all too sincere or just something that they could pull out when was called upon, whereas, i bumbled an answer that gave a sense of only partial fulfillment. anyways, i suppose the revelation was that i had to think really hard to pick out something that bothered me, and even then, those things aren't even things that really bother me that much. really, if confronted with those things, i just evade the scene. or, perhaps i'm just privileged and don't have to be faced with those things that bother me all of the time. that could be it. hm.
one last thing. jedi-ism really matches up with buddhism. it really threw me off when i watched the 3rd episode last night and heard the wise teachings of the jedis's lining up with the ideals of impermanence and inevitability and how in order to get anywhere, we have to be able to give up things and not want anything in particular. i'm sure others have figured this one out before though. either way, it sort of made me smile.
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i'm sort of back to the listless yet bulging out of my skin state. i've spent the past few hours trying to find some happy medium between the two extremes as i'm traveling between extremes with very little swing time in the pendulum. closer to teleportation between the two destinations. i go from slung on the couch, staring at the television, while interested in the content, appearing as if the most vapid orator possible is blabbing on and on on the screen. then i go to the other extreme of having this overwhelming rush to feel something tangible or make some sort of connection with another being as i feel so utterly isolated and trapped, with the television lending no help whatsoever to my condition. i'm just not sure what exactly it is that's driving these alternating frenzied to lifeless lows. part of me imagines that meeting up with sh served as the impetus and then the subsequent waiting at the train station for more than forty five minutes really pushed me over the edge on the antsy aspect of it all, and then once i made it back to the apartment, i felt so terrible estranged. perhaps that's it, actually. nothing human, or if not, very few things, is too terribly difficult to retrace and subsequently be able to delineate the origin of. or, maybe i'm just philosophizing a load of trash. ugh.
well at least i feel a slight bit of relief after writing that down.
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i know, regret is so unbecoming of me. and, well, i guess it's not really regret that's slightly haunting me, and not quite remorse either. i'm not quite sure what it is that's bothering me. all i know is that when i made my presentation for class today, i received these dull, blank stares back at me, and, well, for a moment there, i felt like my poor professor who has way more difficulty shaking out responses from us than any teacher i had back in high school would have ever had from me previously. then again, i've shed quite a bit of confidence over the years as i've tried to scrounge around my way on very faintly jutting out bits on this seemingly endless daunting mountain that i must climb in order to get to the cliff, only to jump off, with hopes of obtaining some sort of thrill in that way.
shake it off. that's what i'm supposed to do. that's what my mantra has essentially become. but, then again, that in itself could be contradictory. oh well.
while biking, i just thought of how previously, i tried to make some sort of connection between anything. anything i laid my eyes, hands, or ears on. it didn't matter how nonsensical the connection, i'd try to make it. for instance, while biking, i turn right on streets named after colleges, and, well, some of the streets are much less friendlier than others in the sense of the quality with which they've been repaired or not, or the obstructions trying to block out entrance, or the lack of outlet that some of the streets offer. and, well, i was thinking in past spirit and thought of how i used to try to extrapolate anything from anything. for instance, in the past, i would think, oh, well, this college clearly isn't for me because there's the representative street that is clearly unfriendly and doesn't lead to what i need, so, well, it'd be a bad choice to ever go there. although, there aren't streets for every college that i intended on applying to, so, really, that mode of thought would've been incomplete beyond being excessively and needlessly comparative. anyways, i've been really antsy today, bulging with energy. it's been weird. little to expel it on. of course. oh well.
anyways, i just keep on replaying the blank stares that i received and i keep getting a faint recurrence of my unease that i felt at that moment, but, perhaps, it's coming to me proportionally, so, after i do this enough times, it'll be such a meager sort of feeling that i won't even notice it's occurrence. maybe?
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typical prose pertaining to shortcomings. serve it up? why, okay. i guess i will then.
well, i thought i'd try to get in touch with rf to work out a rendezvous with him tomorrow. and, so i went to the fb. a standard approach of attack in this day, yes. well, that led to the hour guzzling monster that puts us in the awkward and unfortunate position that we all find ourselves in - embroiled in a war against stalkerish tendencies and finding our defenses failing, and subsequently - perusing photos of people who don't really realize that we are doing such. i suppose it's excusable since likewise is probably done to me as well, and, well, i expect it to be done. however, it regardless makes me and always has made me sick to think of how i'm practically snooping on others. the articles with which i practice my detective tendencies are all voluntary pieces, so it's not all bad, but, anyways. the point is, i started going through his pictures and, well, no sense of finality really hit me. instead that sort of sick, mushy gut sort of feeling bubbled in my stomach. inconclusive. unresolved. all of those things that i want to sort of banish from my existence, because i enjoy a sense of finality and a vague false sense of assurance that i can get over something. but, i can't really. or, well, no, of course, that's not the attitude to look at things with, right? so, forget that past statement, rather, i find it difficult to cope with past occurrences with a complete sense of finality. that's a more literary vomit sort of method of trying to explain the tendency. yes yes yes.
furthermore, another area in which i'm lacking substantial progress in is the case with gb. it's not a debilitating problem or anything, but, well, i don't feel a sense of finality in that situation as well. i think that he is working up the steam to be in a relationship with a girl other than jd, and, well, that's good for him. however, i still have this slight tendency to think that i can rip him away from this other girl if i really wanted to, or, if not, i feel slightly inclined to make an attempt and see what happens. but, why would i do that? what's the benefit for either of us? there's a net loss, really. he loses someone, and i'd lose him as a friend. thus, it's possibly the dumbest path to follow. the most resistance that has to be overcome, which in any path, electrical or by bike, is a less sensible way to go (unless it's substantially shorter by bike that way, in which case it's a toss up). anyways, when he told me that he was meeting this girl's parents for breakfast, my stomach pitted. but, really, it's not to be of concern to me, or at least not in that respect. my stomach shouldn't be pitting. i should just be happy for him that he's making amends and stepping past the jd cycle that he falls into inevitably every time - previously. i don't know.
so that covers rf and gb. i suppose lastly there's ec. getting rid of all of these emotional nonsensical ties is really quite the feat to accomplish, i've realized over time.
well, the case with ec is probably the worst in that unlike in the other two previous scenarios, ec never actually was attracted to me. and, i say that i've come to terms with that, but, realistically, i never have. i always have some awkward false hope dangling above my head like a play toy and i'm the cat swatting at it, deceived by it's proximity to my face, thinking that it's accessible, when it really isn't. it never has been. it's always been taunting me. that isn't to say that ec is a terrible person for never reciprocating whatever nonsense feelings i harbour towards him, but, rather that i'm the fool for having the flooding of emotions that i feel whenever i see him. the pitting in my stomach that makes me want to cower and hide. no matter how resolved i claim to be, the matter is that when faced with his presence, i sort of just clamour for cover and a windowless haven that won't expose me to him. it's a sick complex that i'm sure others have as well. it's not pleasant.
and lastly, oh mr. not the best bud mr, of course, because, well, he's far exceeded that point. same with jb, really. i deliberately made the effort to make him akin to a brother so that i wouldn't fall into this sick downward spiral into an endless abyss of unresolved sentiment, which, thankfully, my self induced warping of thoughts, while very gradual, works. anyways, with mr, i know that it's quite the useless cause for me to spend time even thinking about it or even put the time into looking for photos as if to satiate some sort of intangible craving of sorts. there's no reason why we can't be friends, and, really, that's what we should be, yet, of course, whenever he's mentioned, i get that sort of rubbery limb effect that bears down on me. it's really quite idiotic. i don't know why i let it happen.
lastly. away from outright shortcomings - i talked to cr yesterday, and, well, it's odd how he and i have drifted apart. that isn't to say that we were best of friends at some point, but, well, before i would be overjoyed when he called since i missed him so much, etc, and, well, when he called yesterday and i missed the call, i almost didn't call him back because i just felt that the tie between us had snapped and that i couldn't tape it back together. however, i guess it's all my perception on things. really, it's more that the cord is ratty and has a great load of strain on it currently, so i should treat it better so that it can recover back to full strength someday.
anyways. i don't know. it's upsetting to look back at myself and see all of these monumental flaws staring me back down. my inability to really close things off that need to be closed off because they're stagnant enough that there's not even a need for stepping stones, far less a need for a bridge. one can just step through the muddy front and make it to the other side. perhaps i'll be able to soon, and not just nominally.
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