muddled cerebrations
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typical prose pertaining to shortcomings. serve it up? why, okay. i guess i will then.
well, i thought i'd try to get in touch with rf to work out a rendezvous with him tomorrow. and, so i went to the fb. a standard approach of attack in this day, yes. well, that led to the hour guzzling monster that puts us in the awkward and unfortunate position that we all find ourselves in - embroiled in a war against stalkerish tendencies and finding our defenses failing, and subsequently - perusing photos of people who don't really realize that we are doing such. i suppose it's excusable since likewise is probably done to me as well, and, well, i expect it to be done. however, it regardless makes me and always has made me sick to think of how i'm practically snooping on others. the articles with which i practice my detective tendencies are all voluntary pieces, so it's not all bad, but, anyways. the point is, i started going through his pictures and, well, no sense of finality really hit me. instead that sort of sick, mushy gut sort of feeling bubbled in my stomach. inconclusive. unresolved. all of those things that i want to sort of banish from my existence, because i enjoy a sense of finality and a vague false sense of assurance that i can get over something. but, i can't really. or, well, no, of course, that's not the attitude to look at things with, right? so, forget that past statement, rather, i find it difficult to cope with past occurrences with a complete sense of finality. that's a more literary vomit sort of method of trying to explain the tendency. yes yes yes.
furthermore, another area in which i'm lacking substantial progress in is the case with gb. it's not a debilitating problem or anything, but, well, i don't feel a sense of finality in that situation as well. i think that he is working up the steam to be in a relationship with a girl other than jd, and, well, that's good for him. however, i still have this slight tendency to think that i can rip him away from this other girl if i really wanted to, or, if not, i feel slightly inclined to make an attempt and see what happens. but, why would i do that? what's the benefit for either of us? there's a net loss, really. he loses someone, and i'd lose him as a friend. thus, it's possibly the dumbest path to follow. the most resistance that has to be overcome, which in any path, electrical or by bike, is a less sensible way to go (unless it's substantially shorter by bike that way, in which case it's a toss up). anyways, when he told me that he was meeting this girl's parents for breakfast, my stomach pitted. but, really, it's not to be of concern to me, or at least not in that respect. my stomach shouldn't be pitting. i should just be happy for him that he's making amends and stepping past the jd cycle that he falls into inevitably every time - previously. i don't know.
so that covers rf and gb. i suppose lastly there's ec. getting rid of all of these emotional nonsensical ties is really quite the feat to accomplish, i've realized over time.
well, the case with ec is probably the worst in that unlike in the other two previous scenarios, ec never actually was attracted to me. and, i say that i've come to terms with that, but, realistically, i never have. i always have some awkward false hope dangling above my head like a play toy and i'm the cat swatting at it, deceived by it's proximity to my face, thinking that it's accessible, when it really isn't. it never has been. it's always been taunting me. that isn't to say that ec is a terrible person for never reciprocating whatever nonsense feelings i harbour towards him, but, rather that i'm the fool for having the flooding of emotions that i feel whenever i see him. the pitting in my stomach that makes me want to cower and hide. no matter how resolved i claim to be, the matter is that when faced with his presence, i sort of just clamour for cover and a windowless haven that won't expose me to him. it's a sick complex that i'm sure others have as well. it's not pleasant.
and lastly, oh mr. not the best bud mr, of course, because, well, he's far exceeded that point. same with jb, really. i deliberately made the effort to make him akin to a brother so that i wouldn't fall into this sick downward spiral into an endless abyss of unresolved sentiment, which, thankfully, my self induced warping of thoughts, while very gradual, works. anyways, with mr, i know that it's quite the useless cause for me to spend time even thinking about it or even put the time into looking for photos as if to satiate some sort of intangible craving of sorts. there's no reason why we can't be friends, and, really, that's what we should be, yet, of course, whenever he's mentioned, i get that sort of rubbery limb effect that bears down on me. it's really quite idiotic. i don't know why i let it happen.
lastly. away from outright shortcomings - i talked to cr yesterday, and, well, it's odd how he and i have drifted apart. that isn't to say that we were best of friends at some point, but, well, before i would be overjoyed when he called since i missed him so much, etc, and, well, when he called yesterday and i missed the call, i almost didn't call him back because i just felt that the tie between us had snapped and that i couldn't tape it back together. however, i guess it's all my perception on things. really, it's more that the cord is ratty and has a great load of strain on it currently, so i should treat it better so that it can recover back to full strength someday.
anyways. i don't know. it's upsetting to look back at myself and see all of these monumental flaws staring me back down. my inability to really close things off that need to be closed off because they're stagnant enough that there's not even a need for stepping stones, far less a need for a bridge. one can just step through the muddy front and make it to the other side. perhaps i'll be able to soon, and not just nominally.
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