muddled cerebrations
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i know, regret is so unbecoming of me. and, well, i guess it's not really regret that's slightly haunting me, and not quite remorse either. i'm not quite sure what it is that's bothering me. all i know is that when i made my presentation for class today, i received these dull, blank stares back at me, and, well, for a moment there, i felt like my poor professor who has way more difficulty shaking out responses from us than any teacher i had back in high school would have ever had from me previously. then again, i've shed quite a bit of confidence over the years as i've tried to scrounge around my way on very faintly jutting out bits on this seemingly endless daunting mountain that i must climb in order to get to the cliff, only to jump off, with hopes of obtaining some sort of thrill in that way.
shake it off. that's what i'm supposed to do. that's what my mantra has essentially become. but, then again, that in itself could be contradictory. oh well.
while biking, i just thought of how previously, i tried to make some sort of connection between anything. anything i laid my eyes, hands, or ears on. it didn't matter how nonsensical the connection, i'd try to make it. for instance, while biking, i turn right on streets named after colleges, and, well, some of the streets are much less friendlier than others in the sense of the quality with which they've been repaired or not, or the obstructions trying to block out entrance, or the lack of outlet that some of the streets offer. and, well, i was thinking in past spirit and thought of how i used to try to extrapolate anything from anything. for instance, in the past, i would think, oh, well, this college clearly isn't for me because there's the representative street that is clearly unfriendly and doesn't lead to what i need, so, well, it'd be a bad choice to ever go there. although, there aren't streets for every college that i intended on applying to, so, really, that mode of thought would've been incomplete beyond being excessively and needlessly comparative. anyways, i've been really antsy today, bulging with energy. it's been weird. little to expel it on. of course. oh well.
anyways, i just keep on replaying the blank stares that i received and i keep getting a faint recurrence of my unease that i felt at that moment, but, perhaps, it's coming to me proportionally, so, after i do this enough times, it'll be such a meager sort of feeling that i won't even notice it's occurrence. maybe?
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