muddled cerebrations
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today the god awful despised of all time moment took place. i saw sd for the first time after the faceless confrontation. the way that she handled the situation was expected. not mature, but, then again, i was far from mature as well. as soon as i saw her i made a YIKES face which was quite fitting for the situation, really. and when we neared one another close up she pulled out an awkward sort of throwdown sort of thing. i don't know. it was a chance at confrontation for her and for me, it was another piece of evidence of my weaknesses and my lack of ability to reconcile certain things. i was far from the bigger person in this case. the fact that i found it absolutely impossible for me to apply buddhist principles to the case of sd shows my greatest downfall. maybe i'll start sporting pessimism again, figuring that i'll never be able to be able to push my way past human incivilities and the transient things that seemingly manifest themselves in endlessly painful marathons, which really are just going to pass, yet i overlook that fact and let the onslaught infect my ability to really lucidly decide how i want to act.
i just feel really scummy. and, well, i very well should feel that way. i wish that we could have just pretended that we didn't know one another anymore since the auxiliary pieces on both sides would've been able to handle that sort of situation, most likely. i suppose that isn't likely though. not based on her response today. which, hatred towards me that she may nurse is entirely reasonable. i could very much so understand it if that's how she feels. then again, i don't know what she's thinking and guesses are solely guesses and she very well could feel bad for me for not being the better person and trying to keep the facade going. but, man, it was so tiring. it really put me off. the lack of enjoyment that filled my being whenever i had to hang out with her or the dread that replaced anticipation really just signalled to me that the decision that was made was rational. however, i suppose rationality isn't necessarily the major speaker in situations involving emotions.
on the other end of all of that, well, today wasn't terrible. had my first two classes, with the first one being good and the second one being okay. chalked full of facts, of course. things didn't seem bad. in fact, they seemed great, but i'll go to the goods of the day after i finish with the bad aspects. anyways, i felt a sort of overhead looming cloud of pessimism. maybe that was me. i passed jamie. he looks different. i zoomed by on my bike. i'm too much of a coward. i've never had much of a backbone. accomodating. agrada perhaps i am. perhaps it was the intensification of the humidity, the thickness of the air and the accumulation of the dread that comes with school.
thankfully, i don't know. perhaps my attempts at immortalizing my thoughts via this method is even impractical in the sense of buddhism. then again, if i were a true aspiring buddhist, i would meditate every day, which, i have not meditated thoroughly for quite a long time. so, i suppose exceptions to my hopes at truly embodying all buddhist ideals is a bit farfetched.
well, so the highs of the day. cf, jf, nn, and i went to foster's - my first time. it felt so ridiculous that we went to get breakfast at some place off campus. it seemed so ... rich and, excessive i suppose. but it felt really nice. it was a really nice feeling, feeling ... exceedingly wealthy. well, i don't know. i guess it's not really wealth that would draw one to go to foster's for breakfast but rather the high class privilege. it's definitely an upper class activity to go get breakfast at a restaurant instead of just eat cereal with milk, which was my norm before. and afterwards, it was splendid. we drove around in jf's audi, playing the music loudly and just, i don't know, feeling so powerful. i guess, i just felt like, no, i don't know what it was that i felt when i was at foster's and then in the car. it was, maybe it's just the sense of uniquity in the occasion for me. not sure. it was good though.
and, the two classes that i had were pretty good. the first had a teach that was funny and nice which of course is rad, and the second one had a teach who couldn't get us kids to laugh and was an old (presumably) chinese man who threw fact after fact at us which is never incredibly exciting, but wasn't too terribly boring. it was enjoyable enough, i suppose, although others squirmed which contradicted my feelings. nothing was terrible though.
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